Update!

I haven't updated this blog in a while! Hard to keep posting regularly when you fans keep demanding to give me blowjobs and aggressive handjobs!

The Entramulance of a Throwistic Innovation

Lately I have been experimenting with a possible innovation in the field of my specialization: Throwistics.

All my life, I have thrown baseballs a certain way, but after teaching myself how to drive golf balls using an unconventional, often unsuccessful, but occasionally Armageddon-inducing swing, which drives the ball much farther than my limited stature would normally suggest, I might have come up with a way to combine the two approaches . . . and turn my arm up to 11.

In which case I might have to think about trying to walk on to a minor-league team, after ten years of skateboarding.

"My arm's fresh, Coach!"

4/20

[the *schck* of a lighter's igniter, and a puffing, and a faint crackling, and a rush of air]


An honest question/thought one of my friends once asked himself, which he later relayed to me—something I could relate to and have chewed over many times since:

"How can I love myself one moment and completely hate myself the next?"


He's truly the person with the greatest combination of talent and wisdom I have ever known, and it was initially quite shocking to me to hear him say that. I have been told I am a person of significant talent, and for as long as I can remember I have battled with exactly what he said.

I loved and hated him, too.

Haha jp I was talking about myself of course (this is a blog).

So, the safe assumption would be that we're both possibly talented, bipolar people. But at this point, with this many people on this many pills, I propose that we need to start looking for philosophical rather than medical answers to what the fuck is going on here. The human body and brain are built to survive, but I think we're ruining our brains with ideas rather than the idea that somehow our brains, after 4 billion years of evolution, have suddenly turned against us and require chemical boosters and suppressors.

And actually, after these great many years, I have come up with an answer to my friend's question, but it as an answer worthy of more than a blog post.

It is an answer—a series of answers—that might one day sit on your bookshelf, unread, haha.

Until then, I leave you with this, which was told to me by another friend, and which also felt to me like the clear clanging of the bell of a quiet many people's worldview:

"Anyone who doesn't think about killing themselves every day, should kill themselves."

Hey, fuckin' Baby Boomers, these are the things your children are thinking about. Besides giving us the Internet, and our lives, you have been shit. Thanks for so many things that are completely fucked, I won't even begin to count them all—lest I end this post with a call for your blood!

[loud exhale, coughing]

It's Better to Have Loved and Lost

ESPN national sports columnist and Boston native Bill Simmons has argued in the past that he believes it's preferable to be a fan of a team that has never won anything than to be a fan of a team that won a championship recently but is now on the way back down into oblivion. You could argue that he only says that because Boston people always need something to bitch about, but besides that, as a Cleveland native and a fan of Cleveland sports, I find his argument to be nauseatingly stupid, and I have this counterpoint: if it's indeed true that it's worse to have won and lost than to have never won at all, then are you saying, Mr. Simmons, that as both the world and American economies are going down the tank it would be better to be a Serbian right now, where things never got any better, than to be an American, where we had once thrived?

Fuck Boston with a dick full of AIDS.

Go Browns.

Podcast Reviews: A Review of Podcasts

Ever feel like you haven't heard enough people's opinions?


Well, podcasts might be the thing for you.


My personal thoughts are a haunting nightmare of regret and frustrated sexuality; thus, I am a fan podcasts and podcasting.


So I thought I would share a short review of the podcasts that are currently "subscribed" to in my iTunes account. The following list is in alphabetical order, because I did not feel comfortable ranking them given their wide variation and the spectrum of qualities they can deliver. They are alike in that they all comprise the podcastic umbrella I use to protect myself from the acidic raindrops of my thunder-brain-storm.

The Adam Carolla Show

Type: Comedy

Rated: NC-17

Quick Review: Adam Carolla is funny and opinionated as fuck. Radio is his medium, and podcasting is the perfect subgenre for him, because he can fire the word "cunt" from any direction and hit the target. He has two major sidekicks: newswoman Alison Rosen, who does a fine job, and sound-effects-guy Bald Bryan, who too does a fine job. Obviously, Carolla's extremely dirty mouth might be offensive or NSFW for some, but if you're not easily offended this show can be as funny as it gets. One of my favorite Carolla jokes: "You know why I don't have any tattoos? Because I have a fucking PERSONALITY."

Common Sense with Dan Carlin

Type: Politics

Rated: PG

Quick Review: A political-commentary show by a host who, like your humble reviewer, reserves the right to change or adjust his opinions as more information becomes available—and thus can't or should't be pigeonholed in any one political camp. In this podcast, Dan Carlin earnestly endeavors to find useful lessons in or solutions to the problems of the nation and our world.

Dan Carlin's Hardcore History

Type: History

Rated: PG-13

Quick Review: Dan Carlin brings history to life in a series of verbal explorations of important past events. This show is like a series of beautiful, gripping, thought-provoking movies being broadcast into your brain.

PTI

Type: Sports

Rated: PG

Quick Review: The only good sports-talk show on television—in podcast form.

The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons

Type: Sports

Rated: PG-13

Quick Review: Bill Simmons, a columnist for ESPN, is the Family Guy of sports writers, but, because or in spite of that, he is a very good interviewer of sports and entertainment personalities. 

The Fort Podcast

Type: Comedy

Rated: R

Quick Review: Hosted by three guys I know—Ed Galvez, Kevin Ford, and Mike Costantini—The Fort is a sketch-comedy podcast that also features interviews, ruminations, and wild-west wrap-ups. It is not refined, but the guys have potential.

Hollywood Babble-On

Type: Comedy

Rated: NC-17

Quick Review: A live podcast hosted by Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman. Smith, of funny-shitty movies fame, is definitely a "love him or hate him" kind of guy. Ralph Garman does some of the funniest impressions I've ever heard. The show mainly consists of them kvetching about show business, but they got comedy chops. "Babble the fuck on!"

KCRW's Left, Right & Center

Type: Politics

Rated: G

Quick Review: An enjoyably levelheaded political debate between an old-guard liberal, an old-guard conservative, a "blogosphere" Arianna Huffington, and someone who claims to be whatever a centrist is. It's an NPR/KCRW presentation, so of course it's well done. Although I seldom agree with any of them, I enjoy hearing the best arguments from any side, rather than the loudest.

Science Magazine Podcast

Type: Science

Rated: G

Quick Review: Although I've never had a "talent" for any of the sciences, I love reading and hearing about advancements in science and scientific methodologies; thus, I am a huge advocate of the Science Magazine Podcast, which features stories from every branch of that beautiful universe of exploration. The special bonus of the show comes in the form of Science Magazine Letters Editor Jennifer Sills, who has an enchantingly mellifluous voice. The main host, Robert Frederick (firsty firsty!), does a great job, too, but Ms. Sills' voice, for some reason, is sweeter to me than the big rock-candy mountain.

The Second Column Podcast

Type: Comedy/Interview

Rated: R

Quick Review: My eldest brother, Joe, hosts a weekly comedic-interview show featuring a guest of the week and a bevy of co-hosts. In toto, there is my brother, who is a former reporter who performs most of the interviewing responsibilities; then there is the show's producer, Mike Costantini, who is a non-sequitur machine; then there is Carlos Jaime, who certainly does his thing; then there is the show's young sound-effects guy, Sean Kearney, who consistently undermines his co-hosts' efforts; finally, there is the guest, who provides a fine feast for these vultures. Always entertaining.

SModcast

Type: Comedy

Rated: NC-17

Quick Review: Kevin Smith again, this time with his longtime producer Scott Mosier on the mothership of the Kevin Smith podcast universe. The two work incredibly well off each other, and I can honestly say that this show has provided some of the heaviest laughs of my podcast-listening life. Each episode is like a magical adventure rife with drugs, boobies, and offering oral sex to get out of tough situations.

WTF with Marc Maron

Type: Comedy/Interview

Rated: R

Quick Review: Marc Maron is a funny and thought-provoking guy. I almost never agree with anything he has to say, but when I do agree, it "feels" like he's touching on a truth that is very powerful and undeniable. He does a great job interviewing other comedians, which is primarily what this show is about. As Maron himself has pointed out, "WTF" really seems to strike a nerve with fellow smart-depressed people.




You should be able to find all of those shows on iTunes. If you like them, please let me know of any others you think I might enjoy—anything not to have to think my own thoughts in the bitter plains of my desperate, stormy life.

A Controversial Advertisement

I had an idea for a commercial that I know the company could never make, so I'm going to make it for them. 

Please don't kill me; some people are capable of being respectful and mournful about something while also being able to joke about it.

Anyway, tell me this wouldn't be an effective advertisement.

The first tower has already been hit, and a man standing on a New York City street looks up and sees the second plane flying toward the second tower.

The second plane hits, and people really start to panic. Then the disturbing thunderous sound as the towers fall to the ground.

The towers crumble, and, on the street, the commercial's final moment freezes and holds on the screen.