English Grammar: William Safire, Pootie Tang & David Foster Wallace

Something important needs to be said about today's endless online disputes over grammatical correctness, and it looks like I'm the man to finally say it.

I've been a professional proofreader for the past eight years, and I'm also the author of two novels and a book of short stories. I'm not saying I know everything about grammar/usage, but I know enough to know what I'm talking about. (For instance, I know that these days it's perfectly acceptable that I finished the previous sentence with a preposition, and anyone who insists otherwise is merely clinging to his or her own outdated pedantry.) And I'm writing this now because I know the core reason of why arguments over grammar/usage on the internet turn out to be such a massive waste of time and life.

You see, the TV show South Park helped me understand an important life lesson: 

Beware the false dichotomy.

I'll use an example from one of my favorite episodes ("I'm a Little Bit Country"). In the episode, the boys are tasked with writing what they think the Founding Fathers would say about America's second war in Iraq. In the show, the conservative townspeople approve the war, and the liberal townspeople protest it, and in the end Benjamin Franklin tells Cartman that the beauty of America is that it is a country that can at the same time fight a war it is also simultaneously protesting.

Instead of giving in to the false dichotomy, America shattered it and became a much more politically savvy country.

There are other examples from the show, but I think that illustrates the idea of a false/forced dichotomy rather well.

It is with that in mind that I'd like to introduce you to the two prevailing combatants in the war over English usage.

In the first corner, we have former New York Times columnist William Safire, who represents an approach to grammar known as prescriptivism, which believes that proper communication requires rigid rules and precise definitions to facilitate ever more communicative precision. William Safire and other prescriptivists, in online comment threads, are the people who consider a grammatical mistake to immediately equate to an invalid argument, and they point this out with abandon (to quote a former snooty professor, "Muddled writing is indicative of muddled thinking.")

In the other corner, we have Pootie Tang, who represents an approach to grammar known as descriptivism, which believes that language is constantly evolving and that rigid rules only get in the way of the real translation of ideas in this dynamic life. These are the people who are making all of the mistakes and not giving a shit about what the prescriptivists have to say (to once again quote my old roommate Aaron 'Smern' Smigelski, "Dan, I don't read books; I do shit people write books about!")

Internet comment threads are a powder keg between these two fiery camps, but the problem is that both sides are inherently incorrect by virtue of the fact that prescriptivist arguments never work against descriptivist thinking, and vice versa.

Blow up the false dichotomy!

Ben Franklin might say that prescriptivists need to understand that an uninhibited descriptivist flow sometimes quite effectively catalyzes the evolution of the language that consequently results in said prescriptivists' love of an increase in communicative precision, and descriptivists need to understand that nobody watched the movie Pootie Tang because it was absolute nonsense.

Ultimately, I believe grammatical enlightenment can be found in the compromise provided by American prosemaster David Foster Wallace, whose writings directly and indirectly introduced me to these ideas. The Wallace compromise represents the understanding that if we are going to take communication seriously we should endeavor to learn all of the prescriptivists' rules, and we should then begin testing them for weaknesses, and bending them, and hardening them, and discarding them if our own homespun descriptivist innovations prove more effective.

The Intended Morals Here:

-Beware the false or forced dichotomy: instead of either/or, it might actually be neither/both.

-If you lean more towards descriptivism, endeavor to precisely learn the rules you're horrendously breaking, in order to be able to better share your message with a wider audience, and if you lean more towards prescriptivism, chill your grill and let your goose loose just a little, in order to let your audience know that you don't have a splintered spindle up your tightest hole.

My Publishing Company

Enjoy things? I launched a book-publishing company recently (e-books and printed books), and I've published two novels I wrote. Good stuff, and affordable! All that and more can be found at hhbpublishing.com.

The 2011 Cleveland Browns: Another Slap In The Face From The Men We Love, Who Swore They'd Never Do It Again

Please pardon this brief, not-very-funny diatribe, before I get into my positional review:

First of all, they shouldn't even be called the Cleveland Browns. The team is named after former Coach/General Manager Paul Brown, who DIDN'T want the team named after him, but they did it anyway, and then a few years later THEY FIRED HIM.

The Cleveland Browns are named after a man they fired. They HAVE to do something about that, because if you want to know the source of curses, perhaps you should find the place in the organization where there is a blatant philosophical contradiction. The Curse of Blanton Collier. 

And because the Cleveland Browns' organization isn't capable of recognizing what a stupid and embarrassing name the "Browns" has been since they fired the man who inspired the goddam synecdoche in the first place, they will forever be running in clueless circles, an embarrassment to themselves and the poor pathetic people who cheer for them. 

People like me.

Anyway, here's my Cleveland Browns 2011 Starting Lineup In Review:

FRONT OFFICE

President: 

Mike "Don't Come To Me For Playoff Tickets" Holmgrum

File photo: the fabulously wealthy Mike Holmgren

Arrogant. Appears to be here to collect money and do favors for his agent friend Bob LaMonte. If I'm mistaken, it's Holmgren's fault I have all these impressions, because I had every reason to want to cheer for Holmgren's history of success benefiting Cleveland, but honestly he looks like a man who found a way to retire for $10 million/year.

General Manager: 

Tom "We Like Our Receivers" Heckert

File photo: this might be Tom Heckert

He was a wash. Seemed to find good players in the draft, which is more than you can say for the last 15 Browns GMs, but the Browns fucking sucked this year, so he has to bear some of the blame for that.

Head Coach: 

Pat "Battling, Process" Shurmur

File photo: Pat Shurmur

This year, nothing short of a fucking weasely, uncharismatic retard. The players seem to support him, but my suspicion is that it's because he's so bad at his job that the players' jobs become very easy, and they get to make millions without having to work very hard.

Offensive Coordinator: 

Pat "Hand Off To The Backup Tight End" Shurmur

This year's Browns offense scored 1 more point than the year they were an expansion team in a league where the rules are continually turning in favor of the offense! You're fired!

Defensive Coordinator: 

Dick "Quick-Snap" Jauron

File photo: Dick Jauron

No hate here besides the fact that he ADHD-lost the Browns their first game against Cincinnati. After that, though, he put together a solid-enough defense. Seems like a wise old man in the right position. Doesn't get enough quarterback pressure, though, so I guess there's a little hate after all.

Special Teams Coordinator: 

Chris "Let Them Block/Return It!" Tabor

File photo: Chris Tabor

Should be fired immediately. No question or hyperbole about it. It would be difficult to have a worse year of playing special teams. Numerous field goals blocked and kicks returned against us. More like Below-Average Teams!

OFFENSE

Quarterback: 

Colt "The Backup" McCoy

File photo: Colt McCoy

Proved himself to be a perfectly quality backup quarterback in the NFL. Kid is tough, and he has "escapability," but he has the same escapability that you use when you jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. His throws arrive too late, and they lead to hits on the catchers of these featherweight passes that turn the receivers of them into walking brain-dead zombies (Mohamed Massaquoi). Perhaps it is fitting that McCoy's season ended by himself being hit brain-dead (by James Harrison, the biggest cheating pussy in all of football). McCoy's backup, Seneca Wallace, proved to be Colt's minority doppelganger, thus proving my suspicion that in the W.A.R. (Wins Above Replacement) stat from baseball sabermetrics, the Cleveland Browns have two Exact Replacement quarterbacks. All of which added up to a fucking miserable year of offensive football, but fortunately/unfortunately it wasn't the worst I've seen the Browns play in the last decade.

Running Back: 


Peyton "Contract Killer" Hillis

File photo: Peyton Hillis

Don't even get me fucking started. Get this overrated, dumb hilljack the fuck out of Cleveland. Even when he's good, he sucks. Great, Peyton, you boulder-rolled forward for an 8-yard pickup—where a normal halfback would have been able to, you know, score a long touchdown. If you ask me, they should have stuck with Chris Ogbonnaya, who had at-least-above-average speed and could block adequately. As for Montario Hardesty, someone needs to explain to him the idea that you're supposed to run AWAY from the defenders. Jesus Fucking Garbage.

Fullback: 


Owen "The Friendly Ghost" Marecic

File photo: Owen Marecic

Terrible.

Offensive Line: 


Joe "False Start" Thomas, Jason "Diarrhea" Pinkston, Alex "The Snap" Mack, Shawn "Personal Foul On The Offense, Number 66" Lauvao, and "Tony Pashos"

File photo: Your Cleveland Browns Offensive Line

I have neither love nor hate for this unit. On a terribly fuckhole shitty offense, they were the most capable part, which made them the winners of the Prettiest Girl In The Burn Ward competition. Joe Thomas had a below-average year for him; Jason Pinkston was the offensive line's diarrhea-spewing butthole, getting taken advantage of by basically every opponent the Browns faced; Alex Mack blocked our own field goal snap; Shawn Lauvao can't pull; "Tony Pashos" only gets his name in quotation marks because although it was the body and frame of a good lineman out there, he was only theoretically in the game, and if Pinkston was the diarrheic butt, then "Pashos" was the line's menstruating vagina.

Wide Receiver: 


Mohamed "Shitty Receiver" Massaquoi

File photo: Mohamed Massaquoi

Regressed terribly. Needs to be traded or cut. He didn't do his quarterbacks any favors (running bad routes, not playing offensive-defensive back/knocking down bad passes when necessary). I have absolutely nothing good to say about MoMass this year. Even his twitter account sucked. #boringflow #unfollow

Wide Receiver: 


Greg "Catches The Ball Like His Hands Are Really" Little

File photo: Greg Little

Has potential, but catching ability appears to be his deadtooth, which is unfortunate for a guy whose job title includes the word RECEIVER.

Tight End: 


Benjamin "It's A Shame The Browns Had To Destroy Him" Watson

File photo: most recent photograph of Benjamin Watson

Regressed terribly. Might have to retire because McCoy's throws resulted in Watson having three concussions this season. May God have mercy on his dead soul.

DEFENSE

Defensive Tackle: 


Ahtyba "Tank Fucker Mountain" Rubin

File photo: Ahtyba Rubin

A bad, bad man, and I mean that in the good way. He's got it all, high motor, rugged tenacity, low motor...everything! In fact, my great friends and I like to say of Rubin to each other, "This guy gets 'er done more than Larry the Cable Guy!"

Defensive Tackle: 


Phil "Hard Snap Count" Taylor

File Photo: Phil Taylor doing the opposite of celebrating

Huge rookie, played decent, showed promise. No hate, but I'm not blowing him or anything, especially after the Browns lost to the despised Baltimore Ravens at the end of the year after Taylor fell victim to a tactic that's not supposed to work after the sixth grade.

Defensive End: 


Jayme "Uniform Filler" Mitchell & Emmanuel "Gone In 60 Seconds" Sanders

File photo: Jayme Mitchell & Emmanuel Sanders

Clearly neither of these guys is an option going forward, as both have names like teenage girls. And honestly they're just not good. For the record, the starting DE at the beginning of the year ended up getting injured in the preseason while RIDING A THREE-WHEELED MOTORCYCLE.

Defensive End: 


Jabaal "I Like It On The Left" Sheard

File photo: Jabaal Sheard

Rookie who played really well. He's a very encouraging prospect, which makes me wonder at which point in the next calendar year his knee will sustain a career-damaging injury.

Outside Linebacker: 


Scott "Hey, Come Back! Slow Down!" Fujita

File photo: Scott Fujita

As I've said before, "Fujita" in Japanese means, "Not gonna be on the Browns next year."

Outside Linebacker: 


Chris "I Only Play Hard In The Last Four Games Of The Year" Gocong

File photo: Chris Gocong

He'll be on the Browns next year, but he's also way too slow and really isn't much of a playmaker. So of course the Browns signed him to a long extension this year.

Middle Linebacker: 


D'Qwell "The Dogfather" Jackson

File photo: the actual D'Qwell Jackson

MVP! MVP! MVP! Definitely the most valuable player on the team this year. Lots of tackles and good play, but still isn't a Ray Lewis–type hit-murderer. He'll make a stop, but he won't create a turnover. Winner, for the third year in a row, of the Best Name On The Team competition, for which he received a gift certificate to a Cleveland company that is now unfortunately out of business.

Cornerback: 


Joe "The Joy To Watch" Haden

File photo: Joe Haden

No ordinary Joe! Haden had a good year, but I think most Browns fans would agree that he didn't appear to improve as much as we thought he would between his first and second year. I don't think he had any interceptions this year, which clearly is troubling, but he had many pass-breakups. No hate here, but he better get better, or I'll kill his family and send him photographs of how I did it. And. I. Am. Not. Kidding.

Cornerback: 


Sheldon "Been A Good Run" Brown

File photo: Sheldon Brown

*Ring, ring* *Ring, ring*

Browns: "Hello?"

Glue Factory: "Hi, Cleveland Browns?"

Browns: "Yes, this is the Cleveland Browns."

Glue Factory: "Please buzz us in. Our truck arrived to take Sheldon Brown away."

Free Safety: 


Usama "I've Never Heard Of Me Either" Young

File photo: Is this humanoid avatar actually Usama Young? Who can know?

I don't know who this is.

Strong Safety: 


TJ "The Bodyguard" Ward

File photo: a missing hero

Missed most of the season with a foot injury. Browns really could have used him, but he was too busy taking bribes at car dealerships, knocking out the owners so the employees could give the customers great deals on their new cars!

SPECIAL TEAMS:

Kick Returner: 


Josh "Nothing Special This Year" Cribbs

Disappointment.

Punt Returner: 


Josh "I Hope You Weren't Getting Your Hopes Up" Cribbs

Disappointment.

Punter/Holder: 


Brad "Reaching Out To Embrace The Random" Maynard

File photo: Maaaaynaaaard!

I love this guy! First off, great name; second, he did an exemplary job catching and scooping Ryan Pontbriand's mental "snaps"; third, he had a great year of punting. Once again, the Browns' silver lining was its punting game, which is like being really good at getting punched in the kidneys.

Kicker: 


Phil "Please Don't Franchise Me Again" Dawson

File photo: Phil Dawson

Did a good job. Probably leaving team so he can go somewhere that doesn't span several chapters and rings of Dante's Inferno.
























Oh, well...AT LEAST THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!

Oh, Internet!

I've spent a terrible amount of time in the depths of the Internet, and today I return to the surface with the following two sparkling gems.

2011 Cleveland Indians Review

They've been one of the surprising success stories of the MLB season, but are the Cleveland Indians any good?

No.

Let's take a look at their current roster's ideal lineup.

1. Michael Brantley, CF — "Who the hell is Michael Brantley?" you might ask. And you should. I've been assured by many people that he's "going to develop" but I've never seen him do anything but ground out.

2. Jason Kipnis, 2B — This guy is good, or he had a really hot month before his recent injuries. "Injuries?" you ask, and you should, because this is the point where I should mention that every one of these guys is a huge pussy who somehow gets injured playing baseball.

3. Asdrubal Cabrera, SS — This guy is also good. I like everything about Asdrubal Cabrera, a little too much. After this brief Kipnis/Cabrera respite, the nightmare continues.

4. Grady Sizemore, LF — I put Sizemore in left field because he has the knees, back, ribs, wrists, and vagina of a sour old grandwoman. He rose to prominence as a daredevil speedster, and now he's a power hitter for some reason. It makes no sense, except for the fact that he's the guy the Indians stuck with, so why shouldn't he completely fuck up everything that made him good?

5. Shin-Soo Choo, RF — Has one of those weird Asian swings.

6. Carlos Santana, C — Can't catch, and bats .215. Supposedly he has good sabermetrics stats, but you know what else (it looks like) he has? A bad attitude. He's either super chill or a totally dismissive dick.

7. Travis Hafner, DH — A big, brittle man who hits doubles and then gets thrown out later at third or home. Usually injured.

8. Matt LaPorta, 1B — This guy fucking sucks.

9. Lonnie Chisenhall, 3B — Average defender with a beautiful swing, which he uses to slap the first available pitch to a middle infielder.

Pitching Staff

Ubaldo Jimenez, SP — Terrible mechanics, location, ERA, and regressing abilities. Ace of the staff.

Justin Masterson, SP — A very good pitcher who has a shitty record because the above lineup becomes especially pathetic when he's on the mound. Probably because he's a bald white guy, and everybody hates us.

Fausto Carmona, SP — He's the farm-system version of Ubaldo Jimenez.

Josh Tomlin, SP — Crafty lefty. This guy's a real pitcher, but he doesn't have a real pitcher's size, so fuck him.

David Huff, SP — I heard this guy's good, but he's in the minors most of the time.

Who cares about middle relievers?

Chris Perez, Closer — This guy is going to get exposed one of these days. I can't figure out how he's not getting shelled repeatedly. Chubby white guy with long hair—not exactly intimidating.

Manny Acta, Manager — Gotta give him credit for keeping this collection of jerkoffs competitive, but despite that he also seems like kind of a shitty manager.

In summation, it's amazing that this team is competing for a division title, but that's probably more an indication of a rancid division than a worthwhile lineup.

Go Tribe!

RIP This Blog

I've been working on a bunch of shit lately. I almost moved, but now I'm not moving, or something. This blog has gone neglected because of my rootlessness. 

I'm homeless for now. A California couch-surfer.

Homeless Depression 2.0.

My Jeep Cherokee is my bindle.

Gotta make it happen. For real this time.

Until then, my friends.

Are Things Really This Bad?

This might end up being a double post. Fittingly, Blogger had some sort of meltdown recently that deleted this post the first time I put it up. By the headline alone I'm sure you can start to see why it's fitting that it got messed up.

Here's the rest.

My quiet friend Brian was once asked by a frustrated fellow high-school student, "How come you never talk?!"

Brian replied, "What's there to say?"

I've been described as negative by a tremendous number of people.

I reply, "What's there to be positive about?"

Am I alone in the feeling that things have been going from bad to worse in just about every way in the world? Are things as bad as they seem to me, or is it my ugly negativity?

There are no heroes in government right now, and barely a handful of people even worth talking about. Most of my heroes are from the private sector, and they're dead.

There are heroes, though: SEAL Team Six, and the people who helped them find Osama bin Laden, right?

The SEALs, certainly; but the CIA? How much could a semi-knowledgeable person celebrate that sinister organization? Does this victory nullify its many tremendous defeats and injustices?

But am I alone in being troubled by just how jubilantly people were celebrating bin Laden's death? Didn't it reek of overcompensation, like when Bill Murray was disturbingly overdoing it during the snowball fight in Groundhog Day? 

I live in a country that was so starved to celebrate anything at all that some of its citizens took to the streets, chanting and repeating that three-lyric wonder, "U.S.A.!" upon the news that some SEALs had killed the man behind the attack that pierced the hull of the nation. 

I would loudly join them in the streets if I knew his death also meant the death of his ideas. But it doesn't, so I am only satisfied that there is one less murderous animal out there, and I am particularly glad it is this one. 

Which is where I join the chorus of those who are frustrated to find our military fighting wars in three countries except the one that was housing the man who had actually attacked America.

Things appear to be so absurdly Orwellian right now that it's almost something you can't talking about—like the question, "Why do you think we're really here?" It's so big that you can't bring it up without looking stupid.

But it's right where we appear to find ourselves. Our Congress is generating profound debt, and clapping themselves on the back over it, and yet my idiotic fellow Americans continue this ugly cycle: "Ninety percent of Americans want all of Congress fired and replaced—except, of course, for their district's representative."

War. Debt. Security over Liberty.

 

Two trillion dollars were created and distributed, and we're not allowed to know where a lot of it went. The biggest robbery in the history of civilization, and it's another thing that's so big we're not allowed to talk about it, because we know it's there but we don't have a handle on it.

I mean, I know they didn't steal my money. All they did was make my money worth a lot less, while they compensated for the devaluation by sheer quantity rewarded.

Too big to talk about. Why are we really here?

Are things really this bad?

What's the difference between President Obama and President Bush? That's not the setup to a joke; that's a legitimate question, and the answer appears to be, and I'm putting this in quotes because that's where it belongs, "ObamaCare."

Our country is underwater, and we're dying of thirst. We've got millions of homeless people and millions of empty homes.

If the differences between George W. Bush and Barack Obama are as marginal as they appear, then does the President really make any decisions at all, or was Bill Hicks right?

Am I being negative, or am I reacting to what's out there?

And yet here is a bolt of positivity:

I am starting a company. I am bringing stories and ideas to the world.

Why can't negativity be a fuel?