Friday, January 6, 2012

The 2011 Cleveland Browns: Another Slap In The Face From The Men We Love, Who Swore They'd Never Do It Again

Please pardon this brief, not-very-funny diatribe, before I get into my positional review:

First of all, they shouldn't even be called the Cleveland Browns. The team is named after former Coach/General Manager Paul Brown, who DIDN'T want the team named after him, but they did it anyway, and then a few years later THEY FIRED HIM.

The Cleveland Browns are named after a man they fired. They HAVE to do something about that, because if you want to know the source of curses, perhaps you should find the place in the organization where there is a blatant philosophical contradiction. The Curse of Blanton Collier. 

And because the Cleveland Browns' organization isn't capable of recognizing what a stupid and embarrassing name the "Browns" has been since they fired the man who inspired the goddam synecdoche in the first place, they will forever be running in clueless circles, an embarrassment to themselves and the poor pathetic people who cheer for them. 

People like me.

Anyway, here's my Cleveland Browns 2011 Starting Lineup In Review:



Mike "Don't Come To Me For Playoff Tickets" Holmgrum

File photo: the fabulously wealthy Mike Holmgren
Arrogant. Appears to be here to collect money and do favors for his agent friend Bob LaMonte. If I'm mistaken, it's Holmgren's fault I have all these impressions, because I had every reason to want to cheer for Holmgren's history of success benefiting Cleveland, but honestly he looks like a man who found a way to retire for $10 million/year.

General Manager: 

Tom "We Like Our Receivers" Heckert

File photo: this might be Tom Heckert
He was a wash. Seemed to find good players in the draft, which is more than you can say for the last 15 Browns GMs, but the Browns fucking sucked this year, so he has to bear some of the blame for that.

Head Coach: 

Pat "Battling, Process" Shurmur

File photo: Pat Shurmur
This year, nothing short of a fucking weasely, uncharismatic retard. The players seem to support him, but my suspicion is that it's because he's so bad at his job that the players' jobs become very easy, and they get to make millions without having to work very hard.

Offensive Coordinator: 

Pat "Hand Off To The Backup Tight End" Shurmur

This year's Browns offense scored 1 more point than the year they were an expansion team in a league where the rules are continually turning in favor of the offense! You're fired!

Defensive Coordinator: 

Dick "Quick-Snap" Jauron

File photo: Dick Jauron
No hate here besides the fact that he ADHD-lost the Browns their first game against Cincinnati. After that, though, he put together a solid-enough defense. Seems like a wise old man in the right position. Doesn't get enough quarterback pressure, though, so I guess there's a little hate after all.

Special Teams Coordinator: 

Chris "Let Them Block/Return It!" Tabor

File photo: Chris Tabor
Should be fired immediately. No question or hyperbole about it. It would be difficult to have a worse year of playing special teams. Numerous field goals blocked and kicks returned against us. More like Below-Average Teams!



Colt "The Backup" McCoy

File photo: Colt McCoy
Proved himself to be a perfectly quality backup quarterback in the NFL. Kid is tough, and he has "escapability," but he has the same escapability that you use when you jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. His throws arrive too late, and they lead to hits on the catchers of these featherweight passes that turn the receivers of them into walking brain-dead zombies (Mohamed Massaquoi). Perhaps it is fitting that McCoy's season ended by himself being hit brain-dead (by James Harrison, the biggest cheating pussy in all of football). McCoy's backup, Seneca Wallace, proved to be Colt's minority doppelganger, thus proving my suspicion that in the W.A.R. (Wins Above Replacement) stat from baseball sabermetrics, the Cleveland Browns have two Exact Replacement quarterbacks. All of which added up to a fucking miserable year of offensive football, but fortunately/unfortunately it wasn't the worst I've seen the Browns play in the last decade.

Running Back: 

Peyton "Contract Killer" Hillis

File photo: Peyton Hillis
Don't even get me fucking started. Get this overrated, dumb hilljack the fuck out of Cleveland. Even when he's good, he sucks. Great, Peyton, you boulder-rolled forward for an 8-yard pickup—where a normal halfback would have been able to, you know, score a long touchdown. If you ask me, they should have stuck with Chris Ogbonnaya, who had at-least-above-average speed and could block adequately. As for Montario Hardesty, someone needs to explain to him the idea that you're supposed to run AWAY from the defenders. Jesus Fucking Garbage.


Owen "The Friendly Ghost" Marecic

File photo: Owen Marecic

Offensive Line: 

Joe "False Start" Thomas, Jason "Diarrhea" Pinkston, Alex "The Snap" Mack, Shawn "Personal Foul On The Offense, Number 66" Lauvao, and "Tony Pashos"

File photo: Your Cleveland Browns Offensive Line
I have neither love nor hate for this unit. On a terribly fuckhole shitty offense, they were the most capable part, which made them the winners of the Prettiest Girl In The Burn Ward competition. Joe Thomas had a below-average year for him; Jason Pinkston was the offensive line's diarrhea-spewing butthole, getting taken advantage of by basically every opponent the Browns faced; Alex Mack blocked our own field goal snap; Shawn Lauvao can't pull; "Tony Pashos" only gets his name in quotation marks because although it was the body and frame of a good lineman out there, he was only theoretically in the game, and if Pinkston was the diarrheic butt, then "Pashos" was the line's menstruating vagina.

Wide Receiver: 

Mohamed "Shitty Receiver" Massaquoi

File photo: Mohamed Massaquoi
Regressed terribly. Needs to be traded or cut. He didn't do his quarterbacks any favors (running bad routes, not playing offensive-defensive back/knocking down bad passes when necessary). I have absolutely nothing good to say about MoMass this year. Even his twitter account sucked. #boringflow #unfollow

Wide Receiver: 

Greg "Catches The Ball Like His Hands Are Really" Little

File photo: Greg Little
Has potential, but catching ability appears to be his deadtooth, which is unfortunate for a guy whose job title includes the word RECEIVER.

Tight End: 

Benjamin "It's A Shame The Browns Had To Destroy Him" Watson

File photo: most recent photograph of Benjamin Watson
Regressed terribly. Might have to retire because McCoy's throws resulted in Watson having three concussions this season. May God have mercy on his dead soul.


Defensive Tackle: 

Ahtyba "Tank Fucker Mountain" Rubin

File photo: Ahtyba Rubin
A bad, bad man, and I mean that in the good way. He's got it all, high motor, rugged tenacity, low motor...everything! In fact, my great friends and I like to say of Rubin to each other, "This guy gets 'er done more than Larry the Cable Guy!"

Defensive Tackle: 

Phil "Hard Snap Count" Taylor

File Photo: Phil Taylor doing the opposite of celebrating
Huge rookie, played decent, showed promise. No hate, but I'm not blowing him or anything, especially after the Browns lost to the despised Baltimore Ravens at the end of the year after Taylor fell victim to a tactic that's not supposed to work after the sixth grade.

Defensive End: 

Jayme "Uniform Filler" Mitchell & Emmanuel "Gone In 60 Seconds" Sanders

File photo: Jayme Mitchell & Emmanuel Sanders
Clearly neither of these guys is an option going forward, as both have names like teenage girls. And honestly they're just not good. For the record, the starting DE at the beginning of the year ended up getting injured in the preseason while RIDING A THREE-WHEELED MOTORCYCLE.

Defensive End: 

Jabaal "I Like It On The Left" Sheard

File photo: Jabaal Sheard
Rookie who played really well. He's a very encouraging prospect, which makes me wonder at which point in the next calendar year his knee will sustain a career-damaging injury.

Outside Linebacker: 

Scott "Hey, Come Back! Slow Down!" Fujita

File photo: Scott Fujita
As I've said before, "Fujita" in Japanese means, "Not gonna be on the Browns next year."

Outside Linebacker: 

Chris "I Only Play Hard In The Last Four Games Of The Year" Gocong

File photo: Chris Gocong
He'll be on the Browns next year, but he's also way too slow and really isn't much of a playmaker. So of course the Browns signed him to a long extension this year.

Middle Linebacker: 

D'Qwell "The Dogfather" Jackson

File photo: the actual D'Qwell Jackson
MVP! MVP! MVP! Definitely the most valuable player on the team this year. Lots of tackles and good play, but still isn't a Ray Lewis–type hit-murderer. He'll make a stop, but he won't create a turnover. Winner, for the third year in a row, of the Best Name On The Team competition, for which he received a gift certificate to a Cleveland company that is now unfortunately out of business.


Joe "The Joy To Watch" Haden

File photo: Joe Haden
No ordinary Joe! Haden had a good year, but I think most Browns fans would agree that he didn't appear to improve as much as we thought he would between his first and second year. I don't think he had any interceptions this year, which clearly is troubling, but he had many pass-breakups. No hate here, but he better get better, or I'll kill his family and send him photographs of how I did it. And. I. Am. Not. Kidding.


Sheldon "Been A Good Run" Brown

File photo: Sheldon Brown
*Ring, ring* *Ring, ring*
Browns: "Hello?"
Glue Factory: "Hi, Cleveland Browns?"
Browns: "Yes, this is the Cleveland Browns."
Glue Factory: "Please buzz us in. Our truck arrived to take Sheldon Brown away."

Free Safety: 

Usama "I've Never Heard Of Me Either" Young

File photo: Is this humanoid avatar actually Usama Young? Who can know?
I don't know who this is.

Strong Safety: 

TJ "The Bodyguard" Ward

File photo: a missing hero

Missed most of the season with a foot injury. Browns really could have used him, but he was too busy taking bribes at car dealerships, knocking out the owners so the employees could give the customers great deals on their new cars!


Kick Returner: 

Josh "Nothing Special This Year" Cribbs


Punt Returner: 

Josh "I Hope You Weren't Getting Your Hopes Up" Cribbs



Brad "Reaching Out To Embrace The Random" Maynard

File photo: Maaaaynaaaard!
I love this guy! First off, great name; second, he did an exemplary job catching and scooping Ryan Pontbriand's mental "snaps"; third, he had a great year of punting. Once again, the Browns' silver lining was its punting game, which is like being really good at getting punched in the kidneys.


Phil "Please Don't Franchise Me Again" Dawson

File photo: Phil Dawson
Did a good job. Probably leaving team so he can go somewhere that doesn't span several chapters and rings of Dante's Inferno.


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