Charlie Sheen, The NFL, And Cocoa Puffs: 85% Of A Possibly True Theory

In his thought-provoking work Godel, Escher, Bach, cognitive-science academic Douglas R. Hofstadter juxtaposed and conflated the major works of mathematician Kurt Godel, artist M.C. Escher, and composer Johann Sebastian Bach, and in the process of doing so, he showcased the strange loops that can be found in the workings of complex systems.

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But strange loops can be found in more places than academic systems, even in pop culture—as a certain pop-culture writer, the target of this lampoon, has been doing for years now.

Take for instance three things that have nothing to do with each other: Charlie Sheen, the National Football League, and Cocoa Puffs. Though they appear to be three different worlds (you might say Charlie Sheen and the NFL are both sources of entertainment, but I would argue that there are two options that are more alike—I'll get to that later), there are actually strange loops running through each of them.

The NFL is an organization that was created when the AFL and NFL merged in 1966 (note that date), when the more established NFL absorbed the upstart AFL. The combined league found great success, and its popularity has only grown. Now, the league is so successful its owners are shutting down the next season in order get exactly what they want with regard to their share of the profit pie.

Charlie Sheen is an actor who was "created" in 1965 when the established actor Martin Sheen had a child with artist Janet Templeton. He's been a movie star since the age of 20, and his popularity has only grown—to the point where he was recently the star of the highest-rated sitcom on television. Now, he's so successful that his show has had to cancel production so Charlie can get exactly what he wants with regard to his share of the profit "pie."

Cocoa Puffs is a cereal that was created in 1958 when the established flavor Chocolate was added to small orbs of corn, oats, and rice. It's been a hugely consumed cereal since its introduction to the American breakfast table, and now American mothers are taking it out of the cart in favor of healthier alternatives.

In a span of eight years, from 1958–1966, three things were created that went on 50-year runs of success before they had a meltdown in 2011. The root causes of each meltdown are entwined with each other. The common denominator is money—the NFL, Charlie Sheen/CBS, and General Mills are all hugely profitable—but what else?

Excesses. The NFL has an excess of greedy owners and violence; Charlie Sheen has expended great excesses on hookers, drugs, and alimony; and Cocoa Puffs contains excess amounts of sugar and high fructose corn syrup.

However, though each of these things is melting down, the American public continues to gobble them up with an equally greedy gusto. People are no longer merely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs; they're cuckoo for It All.

We want to worship competitive violence, we want to mock others' excesses, and we want to quietly and privately indulge in our own excesses.

But the crunching in our ears is the sound of a cokehead's jaw grinding, and the sound of a helmet-to-helmet hit, and the sound of sugary cereal consumption.

And here's the inversion:

I argue that it's not the fault of these organizations or the scads of people who sponsor them with money and/or attention; it's the fault of complex systems themselves. Within each of us is a built-in frustration over the idea that the only difference between ourselves and anything else around us is the complexity of our systems. But if you look up and down the scales of contemporary culture or life on Planet Earth, there isn't anyone or anything left that's unlike anything else, so our internal pain is sated by either seeing the product of other people's internal pain (competitive violence, celebrity meltdowns) or by masking our own pain through the temporary relief of superfluous food consumption.

Worst. Complex. System. Ever.

Which is how I argue that Cocoa Puffs and the NFL have more in common with each other than the NFL and Charlie Sheen. Sure, the NFL and Charlie Sheen are entertainers, but everything is entertainment; not everything hits you in the mouth like a football collision or a spoonful of delicious cereal.

Unless you're a hooker and Charlie Sheen thinks you stole his watch.



Dan Klosterman is a columnist for Rolling Vanity. His forthcoming book, An Obnoxiously Long, Ambiguous, and Insipid Title, will be released in April.