With the NFL draft a literally incalculable number of days away, now is the perfect time for a mock draft by someone who used to be a great baseball player. So, ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the most theoretical NFL draft I've ever written.
1. Carolina Panthers - Cam Newton QB (Auburn Tigerbloods)
The Carolina Panthers realize they really shit the bed when they drafted Jimmy "The Faggot" Clausen to be their QBOTF. What they see in Cam Newton is a football player who makes football plays, and if you're an NFL team with NFL fans, then you need NFL players, and Cam Newton will be a playmaker in the National Football League for at least the next three years. That's longer than this franchise plans to exist, making it a slam-dunk pick.
2. Denver Broncos - Marcell Dareus DT (Alabama Crimson Tidebloods)
The Denver Broncos are in the fortunate position of needing the biggest, strongest black man they can find, and there are still a ton of those available at this point in the draft. Marcell Dareus'll do. He can slam into white offensive linemen with the best of 'em, and he has a particular talent for injuring Browns quarterback Colt McCoy, which the Broncos hope to develop into the ability to injure lots of quarterbacks. With Carmelo Anthony having left the Nuggets for the Knicks, the city of Denver has an open black-guy position available. No-brainer.
3. Buffalo Bills - Da'Quan Bowers DE (Clemson Tigerbloods)
Ralph Wilson must be spinning in his watery grave. I'm not even sure what that means, so let's move on: Bills need a pass-rush, and Da'Quan Bowers is supposedly good at that. I don't know, though, because I don't watch SEC football. To me it's too weird to watch a bunch of white racists cheer for people they call niggers before, during, and after the game. Anyway, Bowers will be needed to get after the sexy quarterbacks in the AFC East. The Bills need Bowers to hit Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez, and Dolphins Quarterback hard. From behind. Repeatedly.
4. Cincinnati Bengals - Blaine Gabbert QB (Missouri Tigerbloods)
Who can make any goddam sense out of anything Cincinnati does? In Gabbert, the Bengals get a quarterback who can scramble and throw but who also has the crucial Caucasian leadership-and-intelligence gene. A deadly combination that Cincinnati will somehow fuck up.
5. Arizona Cardinals - Von Miller LB (Texas A&M Aggiebloods)
Most mock drafts have the Cardinals taking Von "The Van" Miller, so obviously they must know what they're talking about, and I want to sound like I know what I'm talking about, so I'm going to give the Cardinals "The Van," too. For all I know, he's a great tackler who runs between the sidelines, plays between the whistles, and snacks between the meals. I bet the Cardinals love that about him. As a bonus, sabermetricians have already repeatedly proven that linebackers from universities with an ampersand in their name have a much stronger sense of life's veiled hollowness, which makes them devastating in pass coverage.
6. Cleveland Browns - Jerm Lupus WR (Ohio University Beerbloods)
In a controversial move, the embarrassed Browns select a player who died from a medical rarity known as a Staphylococcus Eruption while the Cardinals were picking. Not wanting to lose face, the Browns try to sign the dead body to a record contract, but Lupus's corpse holds out. Eventually, Browns negotiators have to to give up on the pick after they fail to come up with a counterargument against human decomposition.
7. San Francisco 49ers - Patrick Peterson CB (LSU Tigerbloods)
With this pick, the 49ers fill a gaping hole in their defensive backfield that last year left their tails in the air. It might be a little tight to get the sizable Peterson to squeeze into the starting lineup so soon, but with his smoldering combination of tangibles and intangibles, he can certainly lube up his chances in practice by staying all over his men. If they try to go deep, he'll need to go deeper.
8. Tennessee Titans - Nick Fairley DT (Auburn Tigerbloods)
Now that Jeff Fisher is gone, something something something. Great pick for the Titans!
9. Dallas Cowboys - Prince Amukamara CB (Nebraska Cornhuskerbloods)
King Jerry Jones has found his Prince! (That line was the only reason I picked him for the Cowboys.) The Nebraska cornerback has the size and speed to make plays. In fact, last year, at cornerback for the Cornhuskers, he made one play—Anton Chekhov's Three Sisters—that left Head Coach Bo Pelini searching for meaning in the modern world. Needless to say, the Cowboys are excited to have someone who's a defensive back, a director, and, if his name is any indication, a terrorist to immolate if they lose.
10. Washington Redskins - A. J. Green WR (Georgia Bulldogbloods)
With the Cleveland Browns passing on Green in favor of Lupus, Washington gets the guy they never thought they'd get, and nobody in Washington will give a good goddam. In Green, Washington gets a triple-threat receiver who can run routes, catch passes, and halfheartedly block. In Washington, Green gets stabbed to death on his way into a Subway.
11. Houston Texans - Robert Quinn DE (UNC Tar Heelbloods)
Quinn was suspended all last season for admitting to NCAA officials that he read and loved the Twilight series. He claimed that sometimes he felt just like Bella, unable to decide between wanting to tackle the quarterback, when the quarterback had the ball, and then wanting to tackle the running back, when the running back had the ball. After a year off, he said he's willing to try again, but he admits he's nervous to inflame the cruel dichotomy of his innocent desires.
12. Minnesota Vikings - Cameron Jordan DE (California Golden Bearbloods)
Shockingly, our first firsty-firsty of the draft. Cameron Jordan has a stereo-prototypical defensive-end's size, strength, speed, and name. With that kind of weaponry at his disposal, he could be a force for years to come, or he'll blend into the fog of other remarkably similar disappointing NFL players.
13. Detroit Lions - Tyron Smith T (USC Trojanbloods)
Detroit could really use an invigorated economy, but they'll have to settle for an offensive lineman with this pick. Tyron Smith should be able to protect Matthew Stafford while the ambulance races onto the field to carry Stafford away. I think it's a bit of a reach to pick Smith this high, but if last year taught us anything, it's that the Detroit Lions need a tackle with the footwork to be able to get out of the way of the ambulance, open the door of the ambulance, wish Matthew Stafford luck in his upcoming surgery, and close the door of the ambulance. With this pick, they get exactly that.
14. St. Louis Rams - Julio Jones WR (Alabama Crimson Tidebloods)
Wunderkind quarterback Sam Bradford's leading receiver last year was a donkey named Cloppy. Jones appears to be a significant upgrade at the position, though not according to the women of St. Louis, who flocked to the stadium last year to stare reverentially at Cloppy's big penis and testicles.
15. Miami Dolphins - Mark Ingram RB (Alabama Crimson Tidebloods)
Miami elects to bring Mark Ingram's talents to South Beach. Ingram is reportedly disappointed to hear that according to a rumored stipulation in the new CBA, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross will be legally allowed to rub his players' snouts and blowholes and pay them in hand-tossed mouthfuls of herring, mackerel, and cod.
16. Jacksonville Jaguars - Tim Tebow QB (Denver Broncobloods)
There was so much speculation that the Jags would draft Tebow last year that it feels like an inevitability that they'll draft him this year. When they find out you can't draft a player from an already-existing professional team, the Jaguars will politely dissolve their organization.
17. New England Patriots - Nate Solder T (Colorado Buffalobloods)
With the 17th pick in the NFL Draft, the New England Patriots select Some Jerkoff I Now Hate.
18. San Diego Chargers - J. J. Watt DE (Wisconsin Badgerbloods)
With any luck, every day at practice new defensive end J. J. Watt will give whiny quarterback Philip Rivers something to cry about. Positive: as a white guy from Wisconsin, Watt almost certainly has really shitty music taste, so maybe he'll be inured to that foggotronic "San Diego Superchargers" song. Negative: white.
19. New York Giants - Anthony Costanzo (Boston College Golden Eaglebloods)
In stereotypical fashion, New York selects a big greasy Italian to hassle visitors and make them feel unwelcome. Giants Coach Tom Coughlin and Costanzo both have Boston College ties, and it might be embarrassing if they both wear them at the same time. Good pick to appease the team's violent-guido fanbase.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Adrian Clayborn DE (Iowa Hawkeyebloods)
Tampa Bay is one of the hottest franchises in the NFL (literally!), and Adrian Clayborn, like many others, would like to play for them. I'm almost positive the Bucs are going to make that desire into a reality for Clayborn, because when he announced his eligibility for the draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers broke into a big, adoring smile, and then they tried to hide it, but I saw it. They want him; they just can't believe he wants them back. They're soooo nervous to make it official in April.
21. Kansas City Chiefs - Phil Taylor NT (Baylor Bearbloods)
The Chiefs really blew it when they drafted Glenn "The Faggot" Dorsey so high, and now they need to enlist Phil Taylor to anchor the inside of their defensive line. He's somewhat of a project pick; though he's officially listed as a Nose Tackle, Chiefs Defensive Coordinator Romeo Crennel is fairly confident he can teach the young man to tackle the rest of the body, too.
22. Indianapolis Colts - Gabe Carimi T (Wisconsin Badgerbloods)
Peyton Manning needs blockers; blockers need to be drafted. That's the way it goes in today's NFL. Call me a purist, but I prefer the simpler times, when players were kidnapped from their villages, stripped of their primitive spears, and taught the exquisite nuances of spearing someone.
23. Philadelphia Eagles - Derek Sherrod T (MSU Bulldogbloods)
The Eagles are going for a long stretch of the word Irony here by drafting a Bulldog to protect a dog-killer. But this is all part of Eagles General Manager Howie Roseman's grand plan. He knows that these days, it's not about winning and losing, it's about ratings and synergy. A Bulldog protecting a dog-killer? Commissioner Goodell, give this team an Emmy!
24. New Orleans Saints - Akeem Ayers LB (UCLA Bruinbloods)
The Saints' linebacking corps has been an addled mess for years, and Akeem "AA" Ayers is the kind of player who makes other teams submit to a more powerful authority. With his pass-rushing ability, he'll be able to overwhelm offensive lines, break the walls of the dam, and flood the backfield with millions of gallons of brackish rainwater.
25. Seattle Seahawks - Jimmy Smith CB (Colorado Buffalobloods)
There is some controversy behind Smith, who once tested positive for marijuana, but further investigation revealed that he attended the University of Colorado, so I don't know why the drug test was even necessary. The lab probably just looked at the return address and stamped the sample positive and mailed it back. Smith should help bolster the Seahawks' secondary; I'm not sure how much longer Jason Sehorn can carry the unit.
26. Baltimore Ravens - Torrey Smith WR (Maryland Terrapinbloods)
Torrey Smith is an Aesop fable unto himself—a tortoise who runs like a hare! That's really all I got. Baltimore can eat my ass.
27. Atlanta Falcons - Justin Houston DE (Georgia Bulldogbloods)
Atlanta selects Houston from Georgia. All this geography! All these words! Will this draft not end? Let me guess, another team would like to pick someone now!
28. New England Patriots - Muhammad Wilkerson DE/DT (Temple Owlbloods)
With the 28th pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, the New England Patriots select Another Jerkoff I Now Also Hate.
29. Chicago Bears - Mike Pouncey G (Florida Gatorbloods)
If I know anything about Mike Pouncey, it's that his brother is Pittsburgh Steelers Center Maurkice Pouncey, who clearly got the superior first name. Coincidentally, Mike is considered the lesser-Pouncey. With any luck, that trend will continue in the pros, because who wants to see Jay Cutler succeed?
30. New York Jets - Akeem Ayers DE (UCLA Bruinbloods)
In a masterstroke of drafting genius, the New York Jets, who've been targeting Akeem Ayers since fourth grade, submit a pick to Commissioner Goodell that says, "Akeem Ayers, UCLA, No Comebacks, No Erasies." The confounded Saints' ire is eventually doused when they come to realize the Jets' logic is flawless.
31. Pittsburgh Steelers - It Doesntmatter G (Referee Flagbloods)
It doesn't matter who the goddam Steelers pick, because they're allowed to cheat, so they don't even have to be that good. And the referees not only allow the cheating but assist them (*cough* 2006 Super Bowl *cough*). I'm not exactly sure what power the Rooneys hold over the powers that be at the NFL, but I have to assume it's ketchup-related.
32. Green Bay Packers - Joe Baldwin WR (Pittsburgh Pantherbloods)
Congratulations, Green Bay, on winning an untainted Super Bowl. However, I quote my friend Joe Polo, who is patently offended by the unusual ownership situation in Green Bay, "Screw those socialist bastards—I hate them."
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